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  • Writer's pictureNick Snelling

The Five Commandments of Vegemite Etiquette

It's come to my attention that many people are still getting the basics wrong when it comes to the correct application of this iconic Aussie toast-condiment. Therefore, the strict rules and protocol of everybody’s favourite yeast extract are as follows... RULE 1: You need two separate knives. Not one. TWO! A butter knife, and a Vegemite knife. Capiche? This is non-negotiable. RULE 2: I stress, DO NOT EVER, under any circumstances, use the same knife you used to apply the butter to then delve into the Vegemite jar. Why? Because any residual butter on your knife will be left behind, thereby contaminating your virgin Vegemite. Trust me, nothing triggers the gag-reflex in a normal human being more than the sight of yellow streaks of rancid butter riddled through their jar of black gold. What are you? An animal? Sheesh...

RULE 3: You only get ONE go at using the Vegemite knife – if for some reason you’ve miscalculated the amount you need for any given piece of toast (pfft… amateur!), and you require more on the ol' onyx ointment, then you MUST use a third clean knife.

RULE 4: For fark’s sake, keep your Vegemite in the fridge. I don’t care if every jar allegedly contains more preservatives that a mummified pharaoh's body cavities, the fact remains the very air we breathe is full of spores, bacteria and evil spirits, all of which will seek to colonise the tarry goodness the moment the gilded seal is broken and it’s exposed to the atmosphere. Hello, science? Moreover, you can never trust that some filthy cretin in your own family won't blithely disobey the first three Vegemite Commandments, which means your jar might be sitting in the pantry slowly being despoiled by dairy products, and you'd be none the wiser... (The mere thought makes me up-chuck in my mouth a little bit. Shudder.) .... Suffice to say, refrigerate that shit, okay?

RULE 5: Go easy with the stuff. You’re not slapping it on like its blackface at some 1950s comedy gala, you uncultured swine. Apply sparingly. A light, evenly distributed spread is optimal. This has been a public service announcement. You’re welcome.

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